Apron Strings.

The scene: My parent's house.
Characters: Me, Ben, Mom, Dad

Mom: Oh, I a surprise for you.

Mena: What?

Mom: Something I found while cleaning the garage.

Mena: Not that stupid fake ID again! I told you already -- I never used it!

(I really never used it)

Mom: No, this is something you'll like.

Mena: It better be. Don't trick me.

Emotionally, I'm like a formerly-abused dog who constantly flinches at the sight of humans. I never quite know when a parental trick is on the horizon.

My mom pulls out my old report cards and an 8x10 photo from a folder.

It's one of those novelty photographs that you'll find at amusement parks -- the kind of photo where they superimpose a magazine cover over a picture of you or your child.

Ben: Oh! That hair! It's so sad.

Mena: American Baby? I'm about ten years old!

Dad: I know, isn't it tragic? Why did you let us do this to you?

Mom: She's still my baby.

Mena: Baby of the year? What were you thinking?

Mom: But she's still my baby!!

Dad: I'm so sorry.

Ben: That hair is really bad. And your cheeks -- are you hoarding food?

Mom: If you don't think she's the cutest kid in the world, you can just send her back home to live with me.

My mom doesn't actually say that last line aloud. But I already know what she's thinking.

After all, I'm the baby of the year.

Comments

[Ben]

Shouldn't the baby of the year (now 24, mind you) at least get to finish her single-scoop ice cream cone?

[Cindy]

This looks frighteningly, frighteningly like me at 10. My mom has several of these faux magazine pictures, although thankfully I don't remember American Baby being one of them.

[sage]

this is all too familiar. on a family trip to Hershey Park in 1986 i had my photo taken for one of those fake magazines! i chose the magazine titled Video Rock Starz, or something like that. like anyone would have ever believed that a homely 9 year old (me) could be a ::real video rock star::. my grandmother had it hanging in the living room for years. next time i go to my mom's i bring back and post it!

[gina marie]

My mother still has one of those up on the mantle. It's a teen beat spoof. I'm holding a telephone up to my hear, and I'm grinning... except the telephone has no cord. The horror! The horror!

[meryl]

Don't listen to Ben. It's adorable, Mena. I agree, though, that is no baby in that picture. Should be "Child of the Year." Hmm... should I torture my kids and get one of those magazine photos of them now for embarrassing them as adults??? Hmm...

[Alison]

The best part about that photo (other than the fact that you're nearly a teenager) is that one of the "headlines" is "How Not to Spoil the Child". Wouldn't NOT bringing the kid to an amusement park and having those photos taken be a good start? Heh...

[Pet Rock Star]

At least your mother doesn't leave comments peppered about your weblog like, "I got here by searching for 'girl who doesn't call her mother.'"

[megami]

Ha ha! I was, *ahem* "Model of the Year" when I was 12. It was taken at some kid's bar mitzvah. Model of the year, indeed, with my chubby round face guffawing a mouthful of crooked and very large teeth. It was a close-up. Oh, the horror. My mom still has it and keeps it with the school pictures. I'm not going to do this to my son.

[Anita]

"How not to spoil the child" My god, that sounds so churcy-generic.

[Ed]

I must say, Mena, I like the August Strindberg approach to your entries of late. One demented idea that comes to mind would be getting a whole slew of entries from bloggers and collating them into an actual live performance performed in front of a crowd. If they were elaborately staged, it would certainly be interesting to see how a flamboyant director staged the various entries.

[potatoe]

my mom found one of my old photos, taken back in primary school (around 10 yo or so), blew the pic up and framed it.

everytime a visitor visits our home, the first question they would ask "Gawd, who is that cheeky little fatso?"

[jahva.]

good grief.
that is exactly my hair from when i was that age (or thereabouts.) - why did they do that to us?
and how is it that i never got to be 'baby of the year?'
.

[kate]

your dad verbalized my dad's expressions (silent suffering) when my mom did the same thing to my hair (and clothes...goddesses bless us, everyone) as a pre-pre-pubescent girl. i could see it on his face but he would always give in to the sappy crap my mom decided was the 'thing' to do when you have a kid that age...i'm gonna turn into her, i just know it. :D

[Witold]

I had to move across an ocean, into a differnet timezone and record our outgoing message in a language my parents do not speak (yet) to stop being the baby of the year. (Life of an only child.)